It’s not your fault your not that guy

It’s not your fault your not that guy 

I was getting out of a low point in my life, but I was still vulnerable. I had a pretty bad score in relationships. I was heartbroken. I kept believing this guys that showed me attention, only to leave when they got what they wanted. 

Then I met you, you were different, you were there, or so I thought. You payed me the right attention, you made me feel beautiful, interesting, like I could do anything, you made me stop feeling invisible. And for a moment I let myself believe I had found the guy that really sees me. Because they look and maybe like one thing, but I felt like no one had ever really seen me and got me that way.

But then something changed, you weren’t as interested, you stopped looking at me the same way, you became distant. When we talked, you told me that you didn’t want that, you just wanted to have a good time with me for a little while. Like all the others. Of course that broke my heart again. It’s like all my fears and insecurities that once you made them go away, here they were again.  But I stayed. I stayed because I was attached to the idea that you were that guy. But you aren’t. And it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault that you’re not the guy that I wanted you to be. The guy that made me feel special, beautiful, like I matter. I wonder if that guy really exists. Or is that my own job? 

So I’m trying to let you go. To let go of the idea of that guy. I know I told you we could be friends, and I hope some day we will. But right know I need space. I need to not be waiting for you, for anyone for that matter. I need to look in the mirror and see myself. So I forgive you for not being that guy, you weren’t meant to be. Maybe when I see myself, I’ll find the one that will see me too. 

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