How to love yourself enough to change.
How many of you set goals and then leave them. Every year I tell myself the same things. I’m going to lose the weight, I’m going to be in a relationship, I’m not going to lie anymore, I’m going to write every day, I’m going to do yoga daily.
Then by some universal power I end up not doing any of my goals, even though I like my goals, I want to be that girl, the girl that wakes up and meditates, that is skinny and ok with food, that is social and boys want to date her. But instead I choose to feel bad about myself. I choose to abandon my promises, to not be that girl.
Today I ate way to much, like way to much. I’ve had an eating disorder since I was about 12 years old. Since then I’ve been starving myself, or eating beyond my hunger. Today I chose to listen to that part of myself that tells me that I’m not good enough to be skinny, or to be in peace with food. But I wonder why, why do I chose to feel like crap when I know how I can feel good.
The question that comes to mind is how do I love myself enough to change. I need change, we need change, we are change. But some sick or insecure part of me wants to stay in stagnation. I feel like that is my conflict with bettering myself. The fear of change, the fear of responsibility and the idea that I don’t have complete control of that change or changes.
So how to answer the question: how do you love yourself? If someone knows how please tell me. For me self love equals self knowledge. I have to know myself, let myself feel, and then I guess, I hope, the healing will come, and with that the self love. Because lets clear something up, self love doesn’t have conditions, when I’m skinny, when I have a boyfriend, what ever. Self love is loving myself as I am, with the work ahead, not pleasing standards, everything that I am today.
When I give space to know me and allow me to feel and just be, then I can feel worthy of change, of being and doing everything that I, the me that is not wounded or conditioned by others, wants to do and be.
But first I need to understand and live the me that I am, then love myself enough to progress, change and contribute in this world. So do you. We can do it!