Same, same but different
I’m doing a challenge that is called the real is beautiful, and the teacher said this phrase and it struck a chord. “Same, same but different”. It’s funny how if you look, life does give you everything that you need, you might not like it, but it is what you need.
I’m looking at my situation right now and how is pretty much the same as two years ago. Same situation, same guy, but different me? More like same me different perspective.
Instead of punishing me for making the same mistakes, for giving him a chance when I knew he was going to break my heart, for molding myself to please his needs and ignore mine. Instead, I’m trying to respect my process, I had to go through the same thing for me to see that nothing is wrong with me, nothing is wrong with him, nothing is wrong with the situation, what I need to do is relax in the moment, feel the moment and recognize myself in it.
I have very low self esteem when it comes to guys (among other things). I feel like they pay attention to me because they think I’m kind of pretty and fun, but once they get closer they realize I’m not that pretty, or fun or have anything else to offer, and then they leave. And they do, I have prove that they always leave. So the story that I’ve been telling myself for many years is that I’m not worthy, I’m not enough to be loved and cared for. And you know what, I’ve realize that I’m trying to find prove for that story, my mind wants to be right, so that I keep believing that I’m not enough. And that’s why I pay attention and give my time to guys that doesn’t care about me, to prove that my story is true.
The repetition of the situation, the reappearance of the guy, was what I needed to see the story I’ve been telling myself. To make me understand that no guy is going to give me my worth. I need to change the story and see me as worthy, for everything that I am, for everything that I’m growing to be. Only then I’m going to seek people that match that story.
So yeah same situation, same guy but different, now I know, and I can love myself for going through it again. And I don’t even need to tell him, to have closure, because I am who needs to know how worthy I am, not him.