Sleepless night thoughts
I can’t sleep tonight. Same bull shit as always keeps me awake. How do one get over a feeling of unworthiness? Why do I keep searching my worth in the same people that took it away, more than take it away, they just prove my reasoning that I’m not good enough for anybody.
I don’t know when I started feeling this way, I feel like I kind of always had low self esteem. I remember being 6 years old, I had just entered elementary school and soon it was going to be my 7th birthday. I was in my school bus seating by myself without my feet touching the ground and thinking I didn’t deserve to turn 7. What a weird thought to have at almost 7 right?
So I guess my point is its always been hard for me to see my worth. Now that I’m 28 I keep searching it in boys. If a boy likes me, almost any boy, I feel worthy, the minute that they walk away, I feel like they take that worth away.
How do one find confidence one has never had? Is it something that you can grow or what am I supposed to do when I don’t even know how confidence feels like. I mean I’m just going to throw some supposition here, if someone really knows please tell. But if I had to guess, I’ll say self discovery is a good way to start. Low self esteem I guess comes from knowing everything you are not. I’m not pretty enough, or smart, or talented or skinny and all that. Maybe being confident is built in knowing what you are, what you are good at, what you can bring into this world.
But what do I know, I’m just an insecure 28 year old that can’t sleep.